can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
