I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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