i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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