im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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