from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
is wine microwaveable?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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