You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
