I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
