were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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