when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just high enough for therapy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
