I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
