I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
