You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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