You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
