Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
