my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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