you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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