I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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