I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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