he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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