The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
