Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
