Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
