So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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