i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
