just tell him i said nine months
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
PANTIES FOUND
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
