He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
