PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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