Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
