What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
