seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
