My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
