Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
