Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
