If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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