I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
