I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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