You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
