It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
home. puking in laundry basket.
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About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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