I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
