Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
