mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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