I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
