I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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