Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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