dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
