I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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