me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
