I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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