She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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