He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
