pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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