Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
