What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
