my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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