Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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