How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going