Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.